:: SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH ::

I, am so pressurized, by everything. Not like my friends in my school are chilling or what. And I'm definitely not making my life and theirs a comparison. I just wanna voice out everything that has never been revealed. No peeps, this is not an emo post. I wanna let my thoughts to be known, to be noticed, to be acknowledged.

Ever since I was born, I have always been the daughter of my parents who just simply acquiesce to their demands and their words. Now sometimes, I would just reminisce about everything. Not exactly, reminisce 'cos they aren't a good thing. So I would better say recall. When I was merely 5, my mum gave me two must-choose-one options, which were to go for violin OR ballet class. I was not even thinking about going for both but what could I do? I had no rights to defend. Violin and ballet? No way. Since young, I think violin could only produce squeaky sounds and to me, they were definitely not MUSIC. Ballet? Imagine myself dancing along the song of Fur Elise. More no way. I had to choose one on the spot and I, chose violin. The worst decision ever. But I was forced to do so. Until now, I still hate myself being a part of the violinists on planet earth. I suck in every bow, every double stops, every pizzicato, every turki, EVERYTHING!

Until when I was standard 6, my mum FINALLY thought out of the box. She asked me if I were keen to sit for the WMS entrance exam. Which meant, if I passed, I could put down EVERYTHING in Mandarin. Basically, my Mandarin has never been good. Oh and just for your information sake, I failed my Mandarin in the last term school exam. My FIRST time. I didn't bother much, since I suck in Mandarin so much already. I went, I studied so much for the entrance exam, not for UPSR, eventually I passed. You wouldn't know how jovial I was. I was like on cloud nine to the maximum words just couldn't describe. Think about it. You get to put down things you loathe for so long. Ain't life just fabulous with such brusque changes? Oh and, do you know that this friend of mine who was the top-5 student in my primary school failed the entrance exam? See? I've got such precious opportunity my parents didn't notice. They simply dumped me to this STUPID HECK CHINESE SCHOOL without even asking for my opinions. Was I invisible? Was I even noticeable? Was I really out of their sight? They made such stupid decision, not caring about how I really felt at that moment. And yes, you can totally imagine the situations after I was officially registered for KC High. I didn't talk to them for a week. I was so mad at them. Didn't they know how much I hated/hate Mandarin? I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel like a bird that has been locked in a cage for decades. I feel like a stupid AH LIAN studying Mandarin from kindergarten, primary school and high school. Please, NO MORE MANDARIN WHEN I GO TO OVERSEAS FOR FURTHER STUDIES.

It's been 3 years. Yes, THREE YEARS. They don't know, I friggin' cried just for the friggin' maths exam. I didn't get the point. All the formulae, all the equations. Okay I SUCK IN MATHS. Don't ever think that students in A class are all prodigies. Especially someone good-for-nothing like me. The don't know, HOW STRESSED I ALWAYS AM when I come to class tests and school exams. Do you guys know that we're actually studying twice of what you guys are studying? We study maths (including SPM add-maths and mod-maths syllabus), chemistry, physics, biology, geography (c), history (c), chinese, english, BM for JUEC ; KH, sejarah, geografi, maths, science, chinese, english, BM for PMR. See. THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL ... S-T-R-E-S-S. If you're sitting for only PMR in a government school, PLEASE, FEEL BLESSED.

I study, just because I wanna remain in A class and not for my future or whatsoever. THIS TIME, I'm gonna make a huge decision of a lifetime. I HAVE MY OWN RIGHTS AND I DON''T WANNA BE CONTROLLED. I DON'T WANNA STUDY USELESS STUFFS. I DON'T WANT MY TEENAGE LIFE TO BE SO STRESSED OUT. I DON'T WANT MY LIFE TO BE SO DEVASTATED. IMMA REVIVE IT FROM DEATH! I WANNA SUBSTITUTE SOMETHING I DEEPLY LIKE TO MY LIFE.

I would have to say that, NOT all of the students can handle such pressure. But well, some are good enough to cope with all of these. Especially those who are really interested in these subjects and those who are already so sure that they would be heading to the 'chinese-lane'. Like going to Taiwan or China. ME?????? PUH-LEASE!

How can I believe in myself when I'm not even being me??

I'M SO LEAVING.

No xoxo today for you. I'm on fire.